A Crisis of Faith

Sunday I did not go to Church.  As per my Lenten sacrifice - I am not beating myself up too greatly.  I just wasn't feeling it.

Maybe it was the medication that I put myself back on that has me feeling like a zombie.  Maybe it was the vendors at the blasted swap meet that goes on in the college behind us.  At 6:00 am sharp, you could hear the constant clanging of metal as the vendors set up their sites.  The time changed and my body was screaming "IT'S ONLY 5 AM" even though the clock told a different story.  Maybe it was the fact that after being so abruptly awoken, I was embattled with my son's dad.  Maybe it was all of the above.  All I know is that my spirit was low and I wasn't going.

The fact of the matter is that because of all of those reasons- I SHOULD HAVE GONE.  It is the only time during the week I actually get to do something for me. I feel better after the service. 

I was having a crisis of faith.

I get these from time to time. I had always said that religion is a drug for the masses.  You can take any situation and justify it as God's will.  When I mixed up my prescription on Friday and ended up taking a full dose of the anti-depressant that I have been off of for way too long instead of the pain pill for my headache - was that God's way of telling me to get back on them or an honest mix up? 

I have a very hard time accepting things on "faith".  I need tangibles.  I need to see it to believe it, or feel it to know it's there; so telling me "Ask and ye shall receive" is a hard pill for me to swallow. Where was God when I was praying to get my out of my miserable marriage?  Where was he when I was sleeping in a cold weather shelter being berated by a homeless tweeker because I wouldn't eat the food?  Where was he when I was living in a transitional shelter away from my son for 3 months?

I know He has a plan for me.  I just wish I understood it.  I have a hard time deciphering between HIS will and my free will. Do I continue to end up with my ex even platonically because I am a glutton for punishment or because I am meant to be with him?  Am I meant to be so miserable because it is a test of strength or I am just a miserable person?  Am I stuck at this job I hate because it is where I am supposed to be or am I just that bad of an interview?  I just don't know.

All I do know is that I know very little.  I will continue to pray as I do when I remember (I am still new to this you know) as I always do - thanking Him for his blessings. my child and asking only for the strength to get through this journey and to help me find happiness.

And I will return to Church this week; hopefully with my spiritual cup less empty.

Lent

Lent.  I would have to say the last Lent participated in was probably 6th grade.  So now MANY years later - I am faced with good old Lent.

 

I tried to explain this concept to Gman.  When he was told that he should be giving up something important - he looked confused.  When I suggested he give up dessert or his favorite video game - you would have thought I had told him he was losing a limb.  This is new to him and since it isn't mandatory in our church - I am not forcing the issue this year.  He is still new to all of this.

 

Then it came time for me.  Jesus gave us the ultimate sacrifice of his life - surely I can give up something for forty days.  Social media was out, because I do have another blog and  Facebook and Twitter are key instruments in building my brand.  It was suggested that I give up Coke (the cola - just for clarification).  I won't lie - I am addicted to it.  The sugar, the caffeine and the fizz.  Just thinking about it made me anxious.  I had a very big interview that morning and really didn't feel I would be my best with an earth shattering pounding headache from withdrawal.  Coke was nixed.  I am however trying to cut it back and drink one water for each Coke.

 

OK with that out - I thought hmmm...I know CHOCOLATE.  I have been binging on it lately due to insane amounts of stress in my life.  Of course as that thought popped into my head, I was shoving Girl Scout Peanut Butter Patties in my mouth to counter the anxiety over the Coke.  (Mental note - for my waist line's sake - I should home school Gman.  I can't really turn down a Girl Scout who is yelling "HI Gman's mom" as I am coming out of the grocery store).  So much for chocolate.

 

I needed a tangible sacrifice.  String Cheese.  Sargento String Cheese to be exact.  You are laughing or scoffing - but I kind of have an addiction to that too.  Yes - I am a stress eater,  I justify it as my calcium intake because milk without chocolate sauce actually makes me sick, This is bad news for a gal who loves cereal, but I digress.  When I am stressed  and not going after chocolate; that is my go to comfort snack.  Good bye cheesy friend.  See you in April.

 

That wasn't enough though,  Miss A from Church sent me this Twenty Things to Give Up for Lent.  If you aren't familiar with my other blog - then you don't know my history of self esteem issues.  I don't know how she could know how close to home it would hit; but it was after reading it, I knew I needed a non-tangible.  This is where the REAL sacrifice comes in.

 

For the next 40 days  I cannot berate myself over my looks or my weight.  I shall limit myself deprecating humor that is detrimental to my psyche. There shall be no self loathing/hating/battling my inner demons.  I shall be grateful for what I have instead of being envious of what I don't.  For the next forty days - I will love myself.  If you know me - you know this is the hardest battle of all.  I am my own worst enemy.  I guess I have one more thing to add to my prayers, 

Refinding The Path

I can't say that I have FOUND God.  That would imply that I had once lost him and I don't know that would be an accurate description.  I think perhaps he knew it wasn't my time, or maybe my God Waiting wasn't beeping when I was on the other line.  So he had to go through my son to get to me. I think it is more that he found me?

 I mean I was baptized at St, Anthony's and received the Sacrament of Communion, Confession at Queen of Martyrs and I went to a Catholic school for 3 years.  It was more because my dad was threatening to kidnap me and in the 70's all you had to do is say you were so & so's parent and the school would release you.  So in an effort to protect me - I was uprooted YET again and thrown into the worst three years of my life.  Funny thing about Catholic schools are that they actually expect you to go to church.  My parents weren't church folk.  I wasn't there for a faith based education.  I suspect QofM was probably cheaper than hiring a security guard to protect me.  So every Monday I got in trouble for not attending on Sunday. I was told to watch sermon's on TV.  I was in the third grade - there was no way I was going to do that.  In the 4th grade, I got suspended for either forgery or simply refusing to participate in school and perhaps the soap graffiti I lied about leaving on the girls bathroom mirror.  Finally in the 6th grade - I was allowed to return to public school and quite frankly never gave church a second thought.

 Perhaps the last times I was in a church was for 2 weddings - obviously not my own. I was eventually  married; but not under the eyes of God.  A Vegas Justice of the Peace did us the honor at City Hall and it was witnessed by a couple from Oklahoma who we had never met.  We conversely witnessed theirs too.  Til death do us part was failed us though and the quicky Vegas marriage ended in a long, but uncomplicated divorce.  If I believe the Gospel of Matthew - I am a doomed adulterer.  Just what I need - more Catholic guilt.

From said marriage came a miracle I shall call Gman. As he got a little older; he learned that Christmas was not all about the fat man in a red suit.  He started asking questions about God and Jesus.  Some I could answer - I wasn't THAT bad of a Catholic.  Some I couldn't - so I leaned on my two Facebook friends from High School that had become ministers - my pocket preachers so to speak.  I routinely asked him if he wanted a children's bible or wanted to attend Sunday school for his answers.  He routinely said NO.  Until December.  He THEN decided he was ready to go to Sunday School.  The thing about this kid - is once he has decided that we need to do something - he is usually right.

His father and I decided that we would support his spiritual path, but didn't want to travel along the Catholic path; so  I went online and went church shopping.  There was one around the corner and they had a preschool.  Upon browsing their website - they had Sunday School.  I emailed asking some general questions, I mean we didn't really do Sunday School in the Catholic Church.  It was sit next to your parents and try not to fidget too much,  The director of the Children's church was amazing and has the patience of a saint.  She answered all my questions and invited us to their candlelight Christmas Eve Ceremony.

We went and I am happy to announce that despite there being several lit candles - the church didn't burn down from my attending.  Gman wasn't impressed.  He fell asleep, but was willing to try the Sunday School class two weeks later.  When we did make it to our first Sunday, we were fortunate enough to run into a school-mate's family who showed us the ropes like where to go etc.  

So now it is March and we are still going strong.  We've missed two weeks because of a family trip and a church camping trip.  This started out as me just attending for his sake, but it has become so much more for me.  Our pastor is amazing.  He is topical and reduced me to tears because I felt like he was speaking to me when he speaks about being lost.  I am, but I am trying to find my way.