A Crisis of Faith

Sunday I did not go to Church.  As per my Lenten sacrifice - I am not beating myself up too greatly.  I just wasn't feeling it.

Maybe it was the medication that I put myself back on that has me feeling like a zombie.  Maybe it was the vendors at the blasted swap meet that goes on in the college behind us.  At 6:00 am sharp, you could hear the constant clanging of metal as the vendors set up their sites.  The time changed and my body was screaming "IT'S ONLY 5 AM" even though the clock told a different story.  Maybe it was the fact that after being so abruptly awoken, I was embattled with my son's dad.  Maybe it was all of the above.  All I know is that my spirit was low and I wasn't going.

The fact of the matter is that because of all of those reasons- I SHOULD HAVE GONE.  It is the only time during the week I actually get to do something for me. I feel better after the service. 

I was having a crisis of faith.

I get these from time to time. I had always said that religion is a drug for the masses.  You can take any situation and justify it as God's will.  When I mixed up my prescription on Friday and ended up taking a full dose of the anti-depressant that I have been off of for way too long instead of the pain pill for my headache - was that God's way of telling me to get back on them or an honest mix up? 

I have a very hard time accepting things on "faith".  I need tangibles.  I need to see it to believe it, or feel it to know it's there; so telling me "Ask and ye shall receive" is a hard pill for me to swallow. Where was God when I was praying to get my out of my miserable marriage?  Where was he when I was sleeping in a cold weather shelter being berated by a homeless tweeker because I wouldn't eat the food?  Where was he when I was living in a transitional shelter away from my son for 3 months?

I know He has a plan for me.  I just wish I understood it.  I have a hard time deciphering between HIS will and my free will. Do I continue to end up with my ex even platonically because I am a glutton for punishment or because I am meant to be with him?  Am I meant to be so miserable because it is a test of strength or I am just a miserable person?  Am I stuck at this job I hate because it is where I am supposed to be or am I just that bad of an interview?  I just don't know.

All I do know is that I know very little.  I will continue to pray as I do when I remember (I am still new to this you know) as I always do - thanking Him for his blessings. my child and asking only for the strength to get through this journey and to help me find happiness.

And I will return to Church this week; hopefully with my spiritual cup less empty.